2.5

I know you come to me for parenting wisdom. Whether it’s prepping for road trips, or how to name a baby, or removing silly putty from your child’s hair, you can come to me: I’ve done it all and I’ve done it well.

So just in case you need to know how many kids you should have, I’ll tell you. Some people believe it is based on income, or parental patience, or available space in the house or vehicle, or personal preference, but it isn’t. First, I’ll tell you how I figured it all out.

When Lily was a wee babe, I dressed her almost entirely in unisex clothes. Even after an old lady in a waiting room chastized me for dressing her in blue(!), I continued to invest in clothes that could also be worn by brothers. To my mind, that was the most efficient and econiomic choice. It also helped that Lily was born with long (for a newborn) curly hair, and was thus sporting little piggy-backs from an early age, making her look girly. That unisex clothes trick only works until about age 3 or 4, and then the clothes are too gendered to allow it, but I tried for as long as possible.

Now, if you are not Mormon or don’t know a bunch of reproducers, this may surprise you, but many people think babies are free. They have health insurance, so the money they pay for pre- and post- natal care and even birthing is minimal. They breast feed (free). Diaper money is simply repurposed from something they can’t do anymore now that they have kids, like recreate. And, here’s the clincher, if they already have kids, they say, “I’ve got the clothes.” Believe me: I know LOTS of these people. They think babies are free.

But I have found the end of the free clothes: it is 2.5. An average pair of jeans can survive 2.5 children, and that is all. At exactly 2.5, holes wear through or pockets pull off or stains render it unaccepatble even to those of us with very few standards. Ask me how I know. I know, because I have recently had to buy some replacements for clothing that my post second child has not outgrown, but that have given up their ghosts, nonetheless.

So, lest you think babies are “free”: the most economic choice is to have them in 2.5s, every other interval is just a waste. If you must have more than 2.5 children, your next best choice is to have 5. Then 7.5. Then 10. Need I proceed? I didn’t think so.