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My Divorce Day

August 10, 2010

I am not very good at announcements. Peter’s birth was never announced, poor boy. I generally don’t tell anyone when I am pregnant. If I am moving, it is pretty much on a need to know basis that people hear about it. I only ever told a portion of my immediate family when my husband left part way through my last pregnancy.

So, this is probably the wrong way to make this announcement, but I haven’t come up with a good way, so in lieu of NOT announcing it, here it is, bloggernet (patent pending): today I got divorced.

It wasn’t much like my wedding day. No gathering, no cake, no presents or flowers. This time, the husband was actually early, which is very unlike the wedding, when he was very late. Both events cost about the same (sans airfare), but I got to pay for the divorce all by myself. And, of course, this time, I got to go collect my children from a kind friend’s house and assure them their world was still turning and go to work and push kids on swings and squeeze in a church meeting all on the same day.

My kids are OK. When we talked about it at lunch, I was telling Lily that divorce means people aren’t married anymore and Peter asked a telling question: what’s married? Well, I guess it doesn’t concern him right now. They are young enough that their world-view is malleable and have lived with me alone as long as they lived with me and their dad. Heck, Amos has never lived with his dad. But I do think this will get harder for them as they get older, and that is sure to make it harder for me, too.

I was pretty numb today. Since we have been separated for two years, being officially divorced is not a huge change in my day-to-day operations. It marked, of course, the end of what I had long envisioned my future to be. And I was told today that I had ruined my children’s lives. So that sucks. I don’t regret the marriage and I don’t regret the divorce. I firmly believe that that change needed to be made and the peaceful home we live in now knocks the socks off one where all the adults are at their wit’s end. Which isn’t to say that I don’t feel lonely or sad or mourn the loss of opportunities a divorce represents. I do feel all those things.

One of my friends just told me that divorce always slims people down and makes them look great. So I’ve got that to look forward to. Any day now.

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24 Comments leave one →
  1. joanna permalink
    August 10, 2010 10:19 pm

    i was thinking about you all day today!

  2. August 10, 2010 10:43 pm

    Thanks! I needed it.

  3. Brooks permalink
    August 11, 2010 3:21 am

    I’m never quite sure what the best response is for this kind of event. Sometimes its “I’m sorry,” sometimes “congratulations,” and sometimes both.

    Whatever the right response is, just insert it here: [ ].

    It just means that I hope it is all for the best, and that you will continue to do well. Because you rock. As always.

    • August 11, 2010 8:42 pm

      Thanks, Brooks! I never know what to say to much easier situations, so I think your [] is perfect.

  4. Amy Thomason permalink
    August 11, 2010 8:59 am

    Well, I was going to chew you out for not stopping by to see us on your way through Pennsylvania, but you have had a big week. As always, you have our support and love. And, as you well know, your children are pretty great, and lucky to have you for their mother.

    • August 11, 2010 8:41 pm

      Glad my divorce could save me from being chewed out. That’s one thing in it’s favor.

  5. Wende permalink
    August 11, 2010 9:43 am

    I have no words. I only know that you are a fabulous person.

  6. August 11, 2010 11:00 am

    Wish I knew the right thing to say. I don’t. I’ll just share one of my dad’s favorite sayings: “Onward and upward.”

    • August 11, 2010 8:40 pm

      Yeah–I maybe should have turned comments off on this one because who knows the “right” thing to say? I sure don’t.

      • August 12, 2010 10:07 am

        I’m glad you didn’t turn off the comments. I think it’s good for people to reach out – it usually makes the reacher and the reachee (I just made up a word!) feel a little bit better – or at least more connected.

  7. August 11, 2010 1:01 pm

    ditto to everything Brooks said. Good for you for sharing a very personal event in your life.
    Who knows what’s around the corner in any of our lives, but I always look at it as a new adventure. I’d be willing to bet you made your children’s lives better.

  8. amyg permalink
    August 11, 2010 1:22 pm

    Emily, that sucks. Know that I am thinking of you . . . if that helps at all.

  9. Jo Pfaff permalink
    August 11, 2010 9:58 pm

    I’ve gone through the same and know how you feel. The change won’t be so hard since you have the day to day down and not much will change in that regard. The whole stigma of being divorced and everything that comes with it will be dificult at times but there will also be times of peace and always hope of the future. You are a strong woman and a great example to your kids. Don’t feel bad about anything. I highly doubt you took this decision lightly. Take care and keep smiling.

  10. Kate permalink
    August 13, 2010 3:36 am

    I read your post earlier, but feeding a baby at the time, made making a comment even more difficult than just the wondering what to say, which is clearly a theme. So, I guess I’ll write what I thought when I read it, which is, I haven’t been around Emily for awhile, but I’ve been seeing the wonderful things she’s been doing with her kids; there is a definite sense of fullness there for them and for you, even though I’m certain there are painful moments of emptiness.

    My second thought was divorce DOES slim people down and get them looking great. That is exactly how my husband got himself looking so handsome in time to meet me :). Probably too soon for that comment, but I thought I’d lend some data to your last statement.

    Wishing you the best, Kate

    • August 13, 2010 9:24 am

      Kate–I’m glad to hear you concur. I eagerly anticipate this side-effect and it kind of makes me wonder why more people don’t try it.

  11. Martin permalink
    August 19, 2010 5:32 pm

    ESO, I only know you from your comments in the ‘naccle, which I always enjoy, and I have no idea how I ended up at your post. Nor do I have any insight or words of wisdom regarding divorce, because near as I can tell it always sucks even when it’s the right thing to happen. All I can say is that I truly wish you and your children the best, and that I hope your ward family is all they can be.

  12. Natalie permalink
    August 20, 2010 3:55 pm

    Hey Emily. I just found this through your Facebook page and I wanted to wish you all of the best for the future. You are one of my favorite people and a fantastic mother. Zack and I were in Geneseo last weekend for a brief visit and I was really wondering how you guys were doing. And it sounds as though you are doing just great. Keep it up.

    • August 20, 2010 9:25 pm

      Thanks, Natalie. I am sure you were very busy, but next time you pass through NY, please let me know. I’d love to see you and meet the new Gublers!

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