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How to Parade

March 16, 2009

1. Arrange for excellent weather.

2. Make it a surprise! Don’t tell the kids you are going until you are actually leaving. It helps if you don’t DECIDE you are going until you are on your way out….

3. Stop at Dog Town for some Pup Plates to go.

4. When you get frustrated by not being able to find a parking place on the street, don’t turn around and go home. Instead, find a nearby business and park illegally, right in front of their threat to tow sign.

5. Arrive about 10 minutes before the parade will begin.


6. Plant yourselves about 5 feet behind the starting line.


7. Make yourselves appear to be an impassible wall with stroller and stern looks so people won’t be constantly asking if they can “just sneak through” and then climb all over you and step in your 2-year-olds’ lunch; if that doesn’t work, try to be so cute and happy where you are that no one would think of disturbing you.


8. Enjoy the parade for as long as your party can stand it.


9. Before the parade is actually over, leave and head back to your illegally-parked car; while you walk you can see the rest of the parade before anyone else does.

10. Try not to go on the day your 2-year-old decides he MUST use the toilet every 5 minutes because hearing yourself say in frustration “OH! Just forget about it and use your diaper!” is must unflattering to your Mama self.

Now, 3 Items for Discussion

  1. I realize I am a TOTAL prude, but isn’t it illegal, or at least in poor taste to be drinking in public before noon? Since we were in such a primo spot for people to ask us if they could squish through, I got to smell A LOT of alcohol on breaths, even some uniformed ones. And of course, I saw lots more. I get that lots of people think St. Patrick’s Day is an excellent drinking opportunity, but what is so fun for people like that in attending a parade? Leave the parade to the families, folks.
  2. Dogs. Now everyone likes to see an Irish Wolf Hound, sure. And it was perfectly fun to see some animal shelters and their dogs in the parade. But do dogs like to WATCH parades? I submit: NO. Leave your dog AT HOME. No one likes your dog as much as you do, I promise. They scare kids (and I saw more than one pit bull, which is just nuts), take up space, and I am guessing are not terribly comfortable in the crowds.
  3. Curly Wigs. Nothing beats the Irish Dance groups in a parade, and their fancy costumes are fun fun fun. But their curly wigs are…creepy. I get that the curls might look cool bouncing up and down in the dance, but to have legions of little made-up girls coming down the street at you with this hair is just terrifying!

PS–Mardi Gras ruins all other parades for you. Don’t go.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. Ganie permalink
    March 16, 2009 10:42 pm

    You’re absolutely right about those curly wigs. They’re almost as bad as Cheerleader Hair.

    About Mardi Gras…my great-grandmother was once in the Salt Lake newspaper because she took the train to New Orleans to go to Mardi Gras when she was 83 years old. (My family was living in Louisiana at the time, so she had other reasons for the trip.) No record of what she thought about the Pioneer Day parade after that.


  1. Erin Go Bragh « The Chronicles of O

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